Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Words From Beyond The Grave!

So a month has passed and we are dead. We made it back to Montreal but found our once swampy home drier than a teetotaler's liquor cabinet. Our moisture-loving robot bodies are now lying desiccated on the salt-lake that was our home, and we think, 'how did we end up like this? Is this really the end? What does it all mean? Did we ever actually hit the hymen? Does anyone care?' And the answers are probably: too much solipsism, yes, nothing, not really and no. Sad but true. Goodbye dear friends, wherever you are and maybe, just maybe we'll get put in a warm bath and re-hydrated some day. So long!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Our Very Last Show For Ever For Sure Most Definitely Maybe

Tonight! One night only! New City Likwid Lounge, with Krang! Holy shit! And then we won't exist anymore. Probably. We plan on doing a reunion tour when our reality shows stop paying the bills and we're forced to do an 'in it for the money' tour. My toupee's gonna look so good!
If you want to see us sooner, do like star trek and start a letter writing campaign. Just enclose checks made to cash and we'll be sure to respond. Or go on vacation.
Come out come out wherever you are!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I Was Looking For My Cowboy Shirt and Then I Realized I Had Torn It of In a Fury To Put on My Dress

GRbxasd*(F89dfklsdfj 9u0f kdjdoiooodolesaadnadkf...
ahem... Ok, sober up. Time to get serious. The Mmmberta Boys and Girls are gone and the hangover is starting to set in so I've got to write this quick!
A week ago seems like so long, but I'll try to recall it all.
Stop one: Kamloops. No show, but who needs one? When you're a 15 to 20 person circus, you're your own show! Fantasmic Jenny lets the whole gong show in and we party and yell and sing and slurp and scream and dance beachside till the early morn. Finally some sun and warmth! All of Canada isn't frozen! Then it's off to Van-city. Welcomed into the heart of Hastings, we get a fast injection of... chinese food! Though some of us stuck with bean sandwiches. The Astoria was bumping with a well balanced diet of weirdo punk-ish rawk and then we found the 2nd best poutine shop in Canada! C'mon, 2nd best is still really good! All night Mmmbertas leave early and we take full advantage of the cheap cheap cheap sushi fest! Yar!
Then it`s off to the big island (not Hawaii, just so`s ya know) and the party continues. Or really begins I guess... Evening ice-swim gets the hunger going and we chow down and heat up in the homeside sauna. What luxury! Next morning off to Saltspring to sell some crystals and petuli. Oh yeah, and play some music.
Since the garden boy run off with the moon (and the owner`s wife) the Fulford Harbor Inn/Pub is closing so they asked us ruffnecks in for an eviction party. 20 people strong, we burned that mother down, and then drank it to the dregs and then plugged all the plumming and then got payed like swampies are not supposed to. Yowza! Oh yeah. First we went to the sweetest swimmin hole. With a rope. And a rock. And so pristine. Man. Only the lake comes with amnesia gas, so none of us can ever remember how to go back so we can't take you. Sorry. Ask a local.
Rush back to Victoria to set up for the party. Some of us swim while others work but it all got did and it's a rager! The roof actually comes off, but we tied some gang lines so it was recoverable. So much sauna (even though some insisted on fully clothed), Captain America made an appearance (U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) and everyone dressed in drag. The walls started sweating and saxaphone guy got us busted by the cops, but we didn't get a fine, so we can still buy weed, as the cops pointed out.
Sunday, and we finally heed the week long 'Mi-ni-golf! Mi-ni-golf!' chants and it's off to Happy Family Fun Time Land All The Time Place' and have an epic battle. We're all winners (though Jarvey is really the winner by a long shot) and then it's off to the biggest show of all our careers. Except Logan's sucks and they forgot we were coming and the cover was too high and the soundman was too late and the hootenany was too long and the people were too few and the money was too none. Whatever, we love each other and come back and laugh it up for five hours until it's five minutes to the ferry and that means... Sauna Time! Tensions are high as the heat rises, but the Mmmbertas leave I think in time and are gone from our lives like the rider at any show they play. Bye bye bbgun!
Monday is off to Duncan, home of a BIGGER stick than Eveleth (so there!) and the Duncan Garage Showroom. We're booked with a couple of the best matching acts we've ever played with. You know, radio friendly folk pop soft rock female singer songwriter. Just like us, right? Great sound, great bats, lots of dogs and nose flutes, the british guy really liked us if none of the other five in the audience were feelin it. Our 'dancers' danced it up to avoid the 18 dollar cover (!?!) and fun was had.
Now it's the end. We've used up our last rollie and Tara and Tim have thrown all our stuff in a bramble bush, so I think we've got to go. One more show and then we'll dispers like smoke from Longevity John's lungs. I hope we don't get caught smuggling people onto the ferry!
Talk soon, and maybe the next time you'll see us it'll be after ten years and we'll be dressed like school girls!

Calgary, Saltspring, Victoria with MMMberta and Biblebeltbadlands

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Serial Harlotry

Back in the bosom of bigotry! What better place for 'hipster fags' than e-ville? Thanks friends!
But first: Prairie Party! Our 'triumphant' return to the land of our births began in Winnipeg. Thankfully, it's not winter this time and we DIDN'T break down in Chunder Bay, we DIDN'T get stuck on the highway, and we DIDN'T almost miss our show. That would've been a good story though, huh? Instead we were almost on time and the show was amazing! According to our sources, Winnipegers (is that what they're called?) don't dance, but this night they couldn't be stopped. Or at least they danced quite a bit, which I guess is quite a feat. Plus This Hisses were pretty much the best thing ever. Despite the door guy's assurances that we shouldn't comp anyone, cause no one was coming and it was our money we were wasting and we should really care about money cause that's the most important thing in life, the show was packed! So there bucko. I also found out that I look just like a really drunk guy's friend, and the friend looks just like Robert Deniro, so I must look just like Robert Deniro. So since I already look like 'a young Al Pacino' (thanks Chelsea Buttafucco), I'm now gonna start a one man Godfather musical. Good idea, eh? Winnipeg good times continued with Ethiopian buffet, breakfast dates, awkward hangouts, and swimming in a heated salt water pool while drinking keg beer and eating barbacue. Fuck yeah! Thanks Julia!
On to Saskatoon, or 'Stoon as we affectionately call it. We're now pretty much super famous, so naturally we got a free meal. And nachos! And beer! We're actually not a big deal, so free anything IS a big deal to us! Mmmm. So you'd think that a small city like 'Stoon might be a bit conservative, hard to get people rockin, not ready for noisy, weirdy, artsy jerks like us, eh? But then you'd be the most wrong! Amazing local electro-burlesque-peach Lipstickface and straight up, ketchup and hotdog soaked, skivvy wearing no-wave noise rockers Aunty Panty showed us how fucking cool Saskatoon is, and then, despite our fears that lateness would scare the kids away, our set was the most jumpin of the tour! Non-stop dance party, everyone soaked, the 'Stooners brought the party! And then after we played left faster than a deadbeat dad on child support day.
On to Alberta, along the smokey highway to the cowboy capital of Canada. They love freaks right? It actually kinda felt like they did, strangely enough, but that lovin' feelin' was helped along by all the Edmonton folks who trucked 'er down to hoot and holler. Yeehaw! Good times, and boom town lived up to its name, financially speaking, if you know what I mean. Then it was back on the road, mistakenly listening to the drunken advice of friends who shall remain nameless to drive 'to this super sweet spot, with a lake, there's a sign' and hunker down for the night. So we got lost and instead decided to drive ALL the way back to e-ville in the middle of the night, freestyling and pretending to be on Christian radio to stay awake/alive. Flounin'!
We survived, and it was on to another show in the ol' Edmonchuck. The weirdest opening band of our career open the night, decked in Skeletor mask, disco pants and flashing glasses to the booming beats of dance mix 96 and the lulling tones of hand drums. Err... Oh well, our friends were there again and that always means good times. Who cares if we can't hear each other and we only get free water, booties were shaken. Yeah!
Soon we'll leave the prairies behind, off to what's sure to be the drunkest week of the tour. It's a mini island tour with 100% Mmmberta gold! What fun. Let's just hope we'll be able to play our instruments...
Stay tuned for some garbled entries, cause that's sure to be the best our fingers will be able to do, what with all the whiskey being pumped intravenously into our systems.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Calgary press (?!)

See, I told you we were getting interviewed...
Caveat: The episode in question was called "All The Way With Stefanie Kay", not "Swamp Sex Robots". Trust Me!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Chicago, Wisconsin, Minnesota

The Cheese Chalet(!)

Chicago rooftops