Words From Beyond The Grave!

So a month has passed and we are dead. We made it back to Montreal but found our once swampy home drier than a teetotaler's liquor cabinet. Our moisture-loving robot bodies are now lying desiccated on the salt-lake that was our home, and we think, 'how did we end up like this? Is this really the end? What does it all mean? Did we ever actually hit the hymen? Does anyone care?' And the answers are probably: too much solipsism, yes, nothing, not really and no. Sad but true. Goodbye dear friends, wherever you are and maybe, just maybe we'll get put in a warm bath and re-hydrated some day. So long!

Our Very Last Show For Ever For Sure Most Definitely Maybe

Tonight! One night only! New City Likwid Lounge, with Krang! Holy shit! And then we won't exist anymore. Probably. We plan on doing a reunion tour when our reality shows stop paying the bills and we're forced to do an 'in it for the money' tour. My toupee's gonna look so good!
If you want to see us sooner, do like star trek and start a letter writing campaign. Just enclose checks made to cash and we'll be sure to respond. Or go on vacation.
Come out come out wherever you are!

I Was Looking For My Cowboy Shirt and Then I Realized I Had Torn It of In a Fury To Put on My Dress

GRbxasd*(F89dfklsdfj 9u0f kdjdoiooodolesaadnadkf...
ahem... Ok, sober up. Time to get serious. The Mmmberta Boys and Girls are gone and the hangover is starting to set in so I've got to write this quick!
A week ago seems like so long, but I'll try to recall it all.
Stop one: Kamloops. No show, but who needs one? When you're a 15 to 20 person circus, you're your own show! Fantasmic Jenny lets the whole gong show in and we party and yell and sing and slurp and scream and dance beachside till the early morn. Finally some sun and warmth! All of Canada isn't frozen! Then it's off to Van-city. Welcomed into the heart of Hastings, we get a fast injection of... chinese food! Though some of us stuck with bean sandwiches. The Astoria was bumping with a well balanced diet of weirdo punk-ish rawk and then we found the 2nd best poutine shop in Canada! C'mon, 2nd best is still really good! All night Mmmbertas leave early and we take full advantage of the cheap cheap cheap sushi fest! Yar!
Then it`s off to the big island (not Hawaii, just so`s ya know) and the party continues. Or really begins I guess... Evening ice-swim gets the hunger going and we chow down and heat up in the homeside sauna. What luxury! Next morning off to Saltspring to sell some crystals and petuli. Oh yeah, and play some music.
Since the garden boy run off with the moon (and the owner`s wife) the Fulford Harbor Inn/Pub is closing so they asked us ruffnecks in for an eviction party. 20 people strong, we burned that mother down, and then drank it to the dregs and then plugged all the plumming and then got payed like swampies are not supposed to. Yowza! Oh yeah. First we went to the sweetest swimmin hole. With a rope. And a rock. And so pristine. Man. Only the lake comes with amnesia gas, so none of us can ever remember how to go back so we can't take you. Sorry. Ask a local.
Rush back to Victoria to set up for the party. Some of us swim while others work but it all got did and it's a rager! The roof actually comes off, but we tied some gang lines so it was recoverable. So much sauna (even though some insisted on fully clothed), Captain America made an appearance (U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) and everyone dressed in drag. The walls started sweating and saxaphone guy got us busted by the cops, but we didn't get a fine, so we can still buy weed, as the cops pointed out.
Sunday, and we finally heed the week long 'Mi-ni-golf! Mi-ni-golf!' chants and it's off to Happy Family Fun Time Land All The Time Place' and have an epic battle. We're all winners (though Jarvey is really the winner by a long shot) and then it's off to the biggest show of all our careers. Except Logan's sucks and they forgot we were coming and the cover was too high and the soundman was too late and the hootenany was too long and the people were too few and the money was too none. Whatever, we love each other and come back and laugh it up for five hours until it's five minutes to the ferry and that means... Sauna Time! Tensions are high as the heat rises, but the Mmmbertas leave I think in time and are gone from our lives like the rider at any show they play. Bye bye bbgun!
Monday is off to Duncan, home of a BIGGER stick than Eveleth (so there!) and the Duncan Garage Showroom. We're booked with a couple of the best matching acts we've ever played with. You know, radio friendly folk pop soft rock female singer songwriter. Just like us, right? Great sound, great bats, lots of dogs and nose flutes, the british guy really liked us if none of the other five in the audience were feelin it. Our 'dancers' danced it up to avoid the 18 dollar cover (!?!) and fun was had.
Now it's the end. We've used up our last rollie and Tara and Tim have thrown all our stuff in a bramble bush, so I think we've got to go. One more show and then we'll dispers like smoke from Longevity John's lungs. I hope we don't get caught smuggling people onto the ferry!
Talk soon, and maybe the next time you'll see us it'll be after ten years and we'll be dressed like school girls!

Calgary, Saltspring, Victoria with MMMberta and Biblebeltbadlands

Serial Harlotry

Back in the bosom of bigotry! What better place for 'hipster fags' than e-ville? Thanks friends!
But first: Prairie Party! Our 'triumphant' return to the land of our births began in Winnipeg. Thankfully, it's not winter this time and we DIDN'T break down in Chunder Bay, we DIDN'T get stuck on the highway, and we DIDN'T almost miss our show. That would've been a good story though, huh? Instead we were almost on time and the show was amazing! According to our sources, Winnipegers (is that what they're called?) don't dance, but this night they couldn't be stopped. Or at least they danced quite a bit, which I guess is quite a feat. Plus This Hisses were pretty much the best thing ever. Despite the door guy's assurances that we shouldn't comp anyone, cause no one was coming and it was our money we were wasting and we should really care about money cause that's the most important thing in life, the show was packed! So there bucko. I also found out that I look just like a really drunk guy's friend, and the friend looks just like Robert Deniro, so I must look just like Robert Deniro. So since I already look like 'a young Al Pacino' (thanks Chelsea Buttafucco), I'm now gonna start a one man Godfather musical. Good idea, eh? Winnipeg good times continued with Ethiopian buffet, breakfast dates, awkward hangouts, and swimming in a heated salt water pool while drinking keg beer and eating barbacue. Fuck yeah! Thanks Julia!
On to Saskatoon, or 'Stoon as we affectionately call it. We're now pretty much super famous, so naturally we got a free meal. And nachos! And beer! We're actually not a big deal, so free anything IS a big deal to us! Mmmm. So you'd think that a small city like 'Stoon might be a bit conservative, hard to get people rockin, not ready for noisy, weirdy, artsy jerks like us, eh? But then you'd be the most wrong! Amazing local electro-burlesque-peach Lipstickface and straight up, ketchup and hotdog soaked, skivvy wearing no-wave noise rockers Aunty Panty showed us how fucking cool Saskatoon is, and then, despite our fears that lateness would scare the kids away, our set was the most jumpin of the tour! Non-stop dance party, everyone soaked, the 'Stooners brought the party! And then after we played left faster than a deadbeat dad on child support day.
On to Alberta, along the smokey highway to the cowboy capital of Canada. They love freaks right? It actually kinda felt like they did, strangely enough, but that lovin' feelin' was helped along by all the Edmonton folks who trucked 'er down to hoot and holler. Yeehaw! Good times, and boom town lived up to its name, financially speaking, if you know what I mean. Then it was back on the road, mistakenly listening to the drunken advice of friends who shall remain nameless to drive 'to this super sweet spot, with a lake, there's a sign' and hunker down for the night. So we got lost and instead decided to drive ALL the way back to e-ville in the middle of the night, freestyling and pretending to be on Christian radio to stay awake/alive. Flounin'!
We survived, and it was on to another show in the ol' Edmonchuck. The weirdest opening band of our career open the night, decked in Skeletor mask, disco pants and flashing glasses to the booming beats of dance mix 96 and the lulling tones of hand drums. Err... Oh well, our friends were there again and that always means good times. Who cares if we can't hear each other and we only get free water, booties were shaken. Yeah!
Soon we'll leave the prairies behind, off to what's sure to be the drunkest week of the tour. It's a mini island tour with 100% Mmmberta gold! What fun. Let's just hope we'll be able to play our instruments...
Stay tuned for some garbled entries, cause that's sure to be the best our fingers will be able to do, what with all the whiskey being pumped intravenously into our systems.

Calgary press (?!)

See, I told you we were getting interviewed...
http://www.ffwdweekly.com/article/music/music-previews/get-stank-hammered-6178/
Caveat: The episode in question was called "All The Way With Stefanie Kay", not "Swamp Sex Robots". Trust Me!

Chicago, Wisconsin, Minnesota

The Cheese Chalet(!)


Chicago rooftops

It's Cold in Canada!

What's up with that? I guess it was cold in Minnesota too, but c'mon!
So sweaty Ohio was left behind as were our dreams of a robotic revolution in the post-industrial paradise of America's heartland. Oh well, there's always next year. On to Chicago, where rules are rules, swim trunks ALWAYS have mesh and creepers don't travel in pairs. Trust me, they know. Barns and Nobles bonanzas and attempted busking (if only us street kids could accept credit cards!) leads to late night roof-hopping (necessitated by us Canucks' failure to believe in carrying cards...) and Drij's first drunk of the tour! Hooray for broth! On to the 'Rock Star Hair Salon' (that's really what it's called) where future American Idol's get hardened hair as we look on. Too bad they didn't stick around for our set... Oh well, BiFurious and Prizzy don't need no new doo's to rock the party, and the sweat was rolling down our noses like the great molasses flood of whatever year that was (I was just knee high to a june bug at the time. Now uncle Jebediah, he...) Hot, is what it was and Preeti and the Kevin's provided all the fan for our flame. Shake a foot!
On to Northern Minnesota, where true rock legends are born. Like Kurt, namesake of Kurtfest, our last minute godsend in the northern wilderness. Picture this, small town america, just a block from 'the Big Stick' (brought to you by Christian America), where pregnant teens can still drink and smoke and small men in tie-dyed belly shirts and giant jafros can break into their cars in peace. America! The ol' furniture store is hoppin all night to the sounds of every local and semi-local band around. Rock rules, though surprise guests (to us) Nomia FLOOR us, but the real party stars when the kegs arrive and bro-fest 2010 gets 'roid rage and spits itself all over the walls. Sounds kinda gross don't it? But the boys wouldn't be stopped and our two AM set was filled with shirtless men shakin their booties like they never heard music before! Thrust punchin and poll dancin and hot footin, the boys paid no mind to the lack of ladies. Kurtfest rules! kindof... too bad it was the last, but at least we closed the final chapter...
Oh yeah- late night soundscape. Close your eyes and picture this...err, open them to read I guess and then close em and picture. A sweaty,mouldy, carpeted warehouse, drunks passed out all over, soda cans strewn about, teen hormones and 'chug chug chug' wafting up from the basement, us poor swampies huddled in the corner. Sleepland calls as a hippie jam breaks out beside us, punctuated by the full blast SCREAMS of a drunken girl friend who's boyfriend doesn't listen to her, isn't a man cause he didn't 'have her back' in a fight over keg etiquette, doesn't understand, just walks away... (three hours folks) while 'Cody! No, what are you doing! No, that's the carpet! You can't piss there! No don't, it's... AWWW!!!" It's like a lullaby.
No matter, sleep was had, some t-shirts were stolen, and the one restaurant was closed- though all 15 bars were open! On to Canada where the maple leaf waits with open arms... or not. Why do border guards hate us so much? Two hour strip search (of the car, sorry to give you a false impression) turns up... nothing! Except ONE CAN of pabst that we forgot to declare and a pack of cigarillos, which aren't the same as cigarettes and so we LIED when we said we have smokes. What a bunch of bull kaka - plus they didn't have a bathroom! So we called Amnesty International and got them booked on human rights violations while we all shared a shotgun of our single sud. What the fuck man, why ya gotta unroll every goddamn sock! Anyways, Winnipeg is where we are and lovely Julia has now slaked our thirsts for hospitality. Canada Ho!
It's off now to an interview. With the press. We're kindof a big deal... not really, but someone in Calgary really does want to interview us!
Tune in next time for a chance at a free show near you! That is if you live in the major centers where we'll be playing and by free I mean you'll have to pay....

OHIO--->ILLINOIS

Kind of the real money, but more like the real rad funtimes. $3 sixpacks of tall cans and forties make for a blurry fun time, The Very Knees and The Dreadful Yawns make up our show experience in Cleveland/Lakewood. Dancing til the early morn, and next day record shopping - i get a tattoo to pass the time since i have neither record player nor home for that matter....I do love my mom.

So then its off to Toledo, back to that good ole strange city, where last year we crashed in the backyard of a few suburban teenagers on acid who tried to build a bonfire with lighter fluid.....this year maybe more tame. Chillin in a dirty dirty park before the show, watching buffy the vampire slayer the movie, at the bar. yup. Played outside with a one-man loop show, and a fantastic noise band....ah toledo. Then a sweaty drive to Chicago...and now we're going to the beach. Maybe some busking, a little bumming around, chinatown...who knows we could get wild out here.

"The Heidelberg Project" in Detroit (a 2 block art installation-fucking rad)

Crush Canada Tour, or Sexy Support Staff Tour, or some other funny name Tour...

On the road again... Day one: Sudbury. Our home away from home. Ehh, not really but we really fucking like it there. Back in the ol' Millard's garage, kids rockin out, water flowing like water (high school kids in parents garage= no booze!) and veggie burgers on the grill- no problem! Sadly we were a little on the late side (arriving at 7:30!) so we missed some of our bosom buddies' bands, but Magic Pelvis and the Birthday Cakes were oh so delicious. A few hiccups on our part (it's the first show for crying out loud) but all was nice and good.
Day two: Early morning Value Village shenanigans (B52's and Annie Lenox!) lead to the long road down to Toronto town. We arrive too early (it's always one or the other, eh?) and don't notice there's a doorbell so it's a few hours of park chillin'. Finally get into the former Soviet hotbed Silver Dollar to find ourselves in the midst of an all out punk rawk show. The Power Hour peeps are polite, but our brightly coloured one-zies, afro wigs and faux fur are a little out of place. Oh yeah, and our amp crapps out. And then we get drunk. And then I sleep in the van... Toronto!!!
Day three: Wake up to the sights and sounds of garbage trucks (it's always garbage day in the big city) and find out from the magic internet machine that we were supposed to play in Detroit the night before! Aaaahhhh! As Trumbleplex slips through our fingers we rehearse our border story- but no matter. We're as good as terrorists and get another two hour border hold up. No pad downs this time, and "the guys with the van, in the band" do get across ("We're not really a BAND, we're just a group of friends that play music together, y'know?") Trumble none-the-less opens it's Victorian doors to us, and even finds us a show at a bar with the biggest back yard I ever did see. Small crowd, but great DJ's, our costumes are a hit.
Day four: Straight chillin. We hang out with the 'Plexers, buy some eats, sit on the stoop, go swimming, make a huge meal, get many tours (accidental and intentional), sit on the stoop, chat it up and sit on the stoop. Good times! Now it's off to Ohio, where the real money's at....

Yes Wave!

So here's a look at our new EP, hot off the presses (well, more specifically the silk-screen table...) Look for it wherever you see us, cause it sure ain't available in stores. You can listen on myspace too, if you want a full sensory experience

Not Dead Yet!

Ok, so it's been awhile since we've talked. But we've been thinking about you the whole time. And those other bands didn't mean anything. And time apart just makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Right! So get ready, cause we're coming home! or at least the one who's been away is coming home, and she's really the most important. We've got a new ep coming out ( I would have liked to say a new record coming out, but the gods have spoken and we're allergic to vinyl and moving fast...) It's gonna be on cassette tape! And CD, I guess, but that's so boring. July release, check the tunage on myspace.com/swampsexrobotsmontreal. Plus we're playing shows in Montreal in July/early August then hitting the road for an epic journey West, this time in the warm times! Yeah! Anyone who has a van they want to donate, that'd be awesome. I know you want to! Dates in Canada and the U. S of A. Stay tuned, fair gum chewers and send in your wrappers for a free kick at the can.*

*there is no free kick at the can